fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize