ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
