What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
