I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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