Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
