if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
