Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
