i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
