It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
