Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
