Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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