Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
