also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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