No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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