You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
