you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
