I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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