What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
