Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
