just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
