this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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