I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You made out with two different species that night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
