I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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