last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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