dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
