1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The best revenge is premature balding
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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