If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize