accomplished twins. life is a go
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
