I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
