I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
