Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
