I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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