Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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