I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize