allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
