Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
