My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
ttyl tear gas
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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