My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize