Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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