At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
