I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
