i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
