You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
