i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
