Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
