This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
