only if we run a train.
done.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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