I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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