He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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