I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
