The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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