Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
