youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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