I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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