I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's blow job season.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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