Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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