good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
