I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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