It's Friday. Sex?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize