She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
