How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
