walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
