So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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