Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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