that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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