I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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