I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize