The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
