im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
