Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
